Good Morning, My name is Sandi. I am a child of God who struggles with co-dependency
When I was recently asked me to give my testimony I went home and reviewed my life……perhaps you heard the screams?
I don’t look back very much because my life has been filled with a lot of pain. Some of it is a natural consequence of my own choices and some due to the bad choices of others. You see, we make our choices, then our choices make us. I’ve had a difficult time dealing with the unfairness of being “peripheral damage” when hurt by the sins of others.
First, let me explain what co-dependency is. It is an emotional and behavioral condition, usually learned in childhood that cripples an individual’s ability to have healthy, satisfying relationships as adults. It is characterized by sacrificing our own needs for someone else, denying our pain, detaching from difficult emotions, and enabling another person to act inappropriately by hiding their behavior from others. Co-dependents shape their own lives to cover for someone else and do their best to control the other person.
An only child, I learned my co-dependent behavior from both my mentally ill mother and enabling father. I didn’t have a chance at being normal. Of course, “normal” is just a setting on your dryer. My earliest memories are being afraid of my mother’s angry, violent outbursts. As her illness escalated, my need to feel safe and nurtured were twisted into survival skills before I even knew what that was. Needless to say, the person I should have been able to trust unconditionally was the one I became most afraid of. All through childhood I learned to act however I had to, say whatever I should and be whoever I needed to….all to escape the consequences of her pain. I felt responsible for her outbursts of anger and was told to believe that if I could just “be better” she would not abuse me emotionally or physically. My father would do anything to keep the peace. We all denied our anger, covered our shame and hid our fear that other people would find out how we really lived. Our family motto was, “’Tis much better to tell the pretty lie than the ugly truth”. It took many years for me to realize that truth wasn’t always painful, and failure wasn’t always fatal. They certainly took the “FUN” out of dysFUNctional ! Did I mention I have trust issues?
Most children look forward to going to college. I ESCAPED ! That’s when real life began for me. I was desperate for love and acceptance, and had a gaping needy void in my soul. It didn’t take long for me to locate a “rescuer” and marry him. Would you believe he was just as sick and needy as I was? Almost 9 years and a 2 year old baby later, he abandoned us to fend for ourselves with no money, no car, and rent due in 10 days. I felt God had rejected me….so I rejected Him. I spent the next 10 years wandering through life trying to fill the ache with anything but God. I tried overspending but that just led to a mountain of debt. Overeating just led to shame….and a new wardrobe. Overcommitment just led to exhaustion. Failed relationships were the most painful of all. Because I was rejected and unloved I saw myself as a failure and was sure God despised me for that as much as I did. Yep, trust issues.
After about 6 years of struggling to make a living for my daughter and I, I found another good man to rescue me. He was intelligent, financially secure, self assured, moral……and obsessive-compulsive. I overlooked that last part of course. After all, I could become whoever I needed to, act however I had to and be just what he needed. I married him, worked side by side with him for 17 years in business and 20 years at home. The problem was, I could never be quite good enough to get my needs met for love and acceptance. You see, my value was tied to his value, my happiness to his happiness. We were both active in our church and eventually he became a Christian to my complete joy and relief! It didn’t make much difference in the way he treated me though, but I figured he’d get better with time.
During this time my 9 year old daughter was becoming more and more frustrated and rebellious due to his impossibly high standards for her and his attempts to control her. One evening after a particularly heated discussion she called her biological father and made arrangements to go live with him out of state. I was stunned and hurt beyond words, but was convinced she’d be back after a few weeks when she realized that homework still had to be done, rooms still had to be cleaned, etc. wherever she lived. I was wrong. For the next 8 years there was no contact between us. No phone calls, no letters, no information at all. I didn’t know where she was, what she was doing or why she hated me so much that even birthday and Christmas cards and gifts were not even acknowledged. I cried every day for almost 2 years and then settled into an ongoing depression to cope with my loss. After 8 empty years, God healed us both and we currently have a wonderful loving, trusting relationship. I know a miracle when I see one!
But the finale, the coup de gras was still to come. After 20 years of marriage, my husband came home from a weekend Christian men’s retreat and said he wanted a divorce. After weeks of begging, pleading, crying and hurting, and after continuing to work with him in our business for the next 11 months, the divorce was final. Despite his insistence there was no “other woman” he married my best girlfriend about 3 days later.
But something was different after this failed marriage. Instead of running away from God as I’d done before, I clung to Him as if my very life depended upon it. (which it did.) I kept remembering what Job said, “Even if He kills me, I will still wait for Him and trust Him” (Job 13:15). I prayed that God would protect me from bitterness., and He honored that request. You know, harboring bitterness is like drinking the poison and hoping the other person dies.
Then came the “great silence”. Though I continued to attend church, no one knew what to do or say, so they did nothing. I realized that sorrow is God’s training ground. He held me up and loved me like no one had loved me before. He began to mend my broken heart (even though many of the pieces were missing). Best of all He didn’t give up on me even when I gave up on myself. Day by day He is healing my heart and redeeming my past. Even though this was NOT the trip I signed up for, I know God will make it work out for His glory. That is why I am involved with the new Celebrate Recovery program. I want to show other hurting, desperate women that God can heal horrific wounds and satisfy aching souls. In life everyone has a purpose. We can either be a SHINING EXAMPLE or a HORRIBLE WARNING. I think we all know which I am. But either way, I want my life to point the way to healing and peace….the only place it can be found.
