Introduction
Some weeks ago, at our Celebrate Recovery program, a man named Cordy gave his testimony. It was so beautiful that I asked him if I could put it on this website and he agreed to do so. He wrote it up and sent it to me. It follows.
How God delivered Me from Alcohol and Homosexuality
I got involved in homosexuality when I was very young. Other boys introduced me to it, but for me it wasn’t just a passing phase. I grew up in an alcoholic home and I had what I call extreme shame based low self esteem, so envy was the driving factor in my same sex attractions. I had a poor body image and I was drawn to those with perfect bodies. This continued all through high school and well beyond.
By the time I was sixteen, I was a hard core alcoholic. I started getting arrested at seventeen and I got DUI’s and went to jail and crashed cars. I thank God I never killed anyone. I couldn’t stop drinking and I couldn’t control my drinking. I pretty much handled life in those days by staying drunk. In 1975, I joined the Navy. I had to go in on a waiver because of my trouble with the law. I was stationed in San Francisco and I was leading a double life. I was in the gay clubs on weekends. Then I got sent to the Philippines where there was a lot of alcohol and sex. I never thought about the morality of what I was doing as I was not a Christian and all I cared about was getting my needs met in every way I wanted.
All the drinking took a toll on me, and by the time I was 29, I was thinking my life was pretty much over. I knew I would never be able to control my drinking, and I knew I couldn’t stop, so I was resigned to the fact that I would die soon. I had a strong feeling that my life would soon be over and I was sad because I knew that I couldn’t do anything about it. I was on a plane in 1979 flying home from the Navy and I was looking out the window at a beautiful sky and sunrise and I heard a voice say, “Life is beautiful isn’t it?” I said, “Yes it is” The voice said, “Do you want to continue living?” I said “Yes I do, what do I have to do?” The voice then said, “When you get home, go to an AA meeting and when you get there talk” I said, “Then what will I have to do?” The voice said, “We will take care of that when the time comes.” Needless to say, this was a very strange thing that happened to me and I didn’t really know what to make of it, so I just didn’t think much about it. But when I got home I did go to an AA meeting because of what happened and I did talk. I know if it hadn’t been for the voice telling me to talk, I would have gone to the AA meeting and not talked to anyone and run out of there as soon as the meeting was over and that would have been the end of it. But I shared a little bit of my story and people came up to me and made me feel welcome and gave me their phone numbers and were very nice to me and because of that I came back and I made friends and got a sponsor and AA became a big part of my life.
Something amazing happened to me fairly early on in AA that radically changed my life. They told me in AA to turn my will and my life over to God as I understood him. I knew nothing about God, but I realized they were telling me to give God everything and I had never done anything like that before, but it seemed that was exactly what I needed to do. So one night I prayed and asked God to come into my life and show me how to live. I told Him that my way of life was no good and was killing me and I said I wanted Him to have all of me one hundred percent and please show me how to live. God showed up. I can’t explain that really, so I won’t try, but I knew I was in the presence of my creator and there were no doubts about it. God was real and I was in His presence. I saw a vision of me in a prison cell and the door burst open and I was set free. It was the most amazing thing that ever happened to me and it was more than thirty years ago and I still cry when I think about it and I’m crying now as I write about it. Tears of joy. Well, as I was sitting there in His presence, I said to Him, “I need to know who you are.” And He said, “I’m Jesus.” That blew me away. I didn’t expect to hear that. Jesus was not part of my life and my experience and I expected a different answer but that is what He said, “I’m Jesus.” Well, I picked up a New Testament Bible that night that someone had given me and started reading it and I couldn’t put it down. It was as if it was alive and God was explaining it to me word for word. I understood it. My eyes were opened and I was born again. I never took another drink and I never smoked another cigarette and I was celibate for the next eleven years. I went from very promiscuous to nothing. I just knew that Jesus didn’t want me doing what I had been doing and I wanted to please Him so I stopped it. The problem was I never told anyone about my same sex attractions and they didn’t go away I just didn’t act on them. They say we are as sick as our secrets.
AA was the ministry that God had for me and that was a big part of my life for many years to come. I went to meetings almost daily and tried to help as many people as I could and I would share about my relationship with Jesus when I could. I saw a lot of people get sober and a lot of people come to Christ over the years through my involvement with AA, but like I said, I was still struggling big time with same sex attractions and eleven years into my sobriety I got very depressed. I transferred to San Juan, Puerto Rico, with my job, thinking the change in scenery would help but it didn’t help and it got worse. I told a friend of mine in AA that I was depressed and he said that I should go see his therapist. He said the therapist was a great therapist and was helping him al lot and oh, by the way, he is gay but that doesn’t bother me. That is what my friend said. I thought that maybe the gay therapist was someone I could trust with my secret, so I went to see him. He actually did help me a lot with a lot of issues but not with my same sex attractions. He told me maybe I should accept the fact that I was gay and just go with that. He told me about a neighborhood where I could go and meet people if I wanted to do that, so I went there and met people. Now I was back into leading a double life and it was not good. I was very involved in the church, and at night, I was picking up guys in gay clubs. I knew it was wrong but I couldn’t stop it. I got into addictive sexual patterns. It didn’t last very long, however, as a missionary friend gave me a Christian magazine to give to someone else. I never saw that person again that I was supposed to give it to and I read the magazine. In there was an article about Exodus which is the largest ministry in the world that deals with homosexual issues. I was amazed. I never knew there was such a ministry. I called Exodus and they sent me books and video tapes and I devoured them trying to learn all I could. One of the videos said that I would probably need a support group and some counseling to get healing for same sex attraction so I looked around for a support group and found Worthy Creations in Miami, Florida. So in 1995, I moved to Miami and got plugged into the Worthy Creations support group and I went to my first Exodus conference in 1996 and it was life changing for me. I never went back to homosexuality in fourteen years now and I have gotten a lot of healing in my life. It has been a long journey but God guided me all along and had for me what I needed at the time. What I learned through Exodus was how to get my God-given legitimate needs met in godly healthy ways, and I learned what true intimacy is being open and honest and vulnerable and transparent. I learned to like myself by seeing who I am in Christ. Someone asked me if I call myself ex-gay and I said “No.” I call myself a blessed and forgiven son of a king.
I became a leader in Exodus, and over the years, I’ve seen hundreds of changed lives. It is such a wonderful privilege to be a part of this and see lives change. God has opened doors for me to get the healing I need. It is a process and takes time and it is like peeling an onion one layer at a time. Jesus told me, “I understand your struggle, give it to me and I will walk with you in your struggle.” Sometimes temptations come, but I’ve learned about having good boundaries and accountability and to have healthy relationships. These temptations don’t control me and they soon pass.
I would say that my relationship with Jesus is everything. Not only has he forgiven me and given me eternal life, but he has been present with me all these years and loved me and sustained me and given me hope and restored me and healed me and is leading me. He has given me new life and everyday I want to glorify Him and try to further His kingdom as He leads me. I have great friends, a great church, a great small group, and fun hobbies like sailing and riding my Harley, but most of all, I get to help others and that’s what it’s all about. Thank you and God bless.
October, 2009
