Hi, my name is Julia and I'm a believer in Jesus Christ and this is the story of my battle with depression.
When did it start? I’m not sure - it could have been a life long thing, but it became overwhelming after the birth of my first child.
What did it feel like - like being at the bottom of a deep, dark well. There was no light and there was no hope.
Did I think about taking my life - yes – at times on a daily basis.
What kept me from doing it? My husband and my children. How could I leave my children motherless? Who would have to find me and how would that affect them for the rest of their lives?
Our children were born in Winter Park Hospital in 1983 and 1985. When our youngest was two we decided to move back to Jacksonville to be close to our families.
We started attending the church where I had grown up and where we were married. It helped being home again, but I was still battling the darkness.
I started participating in Bible studies and about ten years ago joined a weekly group that still meets at St. John’s Presbyterian on Herschel. We had an amazing group of women who shared with each other and prayed for each other weekly. It became my lifeline. One of the many studies that we did that struck me was about hearing God speak. I was desperate for that. The study taught that we could hear God speak through church, through other Christians, through circumstances and through God’s Word. I started to read the Bible every day, using the lectionary in the back of the Book of Common Prayer.
The light of Christ was starting to enter my life. Things were getting better and I could look back and see the darkness for what it was – separation from God. So when I started to slip back down into the darkness in the summer of 1999, during our summer vacation, I knew I had to take action. It took all the courage I had to call the doctor and make an appointment to be seen for depression. I was terrified that the medical professional would scrutinize me and tell me that there was nothing wrong with me, but she just asked me a list of questions and then prescribed an anti-depressant drug. The drug helped turn off the negative tape that had been running through my head for years, but after a couple of months, because of the side effects, I weaned myself off of it.
In 2002 or 2003, Doug and I started getting involved in ALPHA at our church. Kay and Pete Boney headed up the course. The first time, we just helped cook in the kitchen, the next time we took the course and then we were group leaders the next two times. While watching one of the films with Nicky Gumble (I can remember exactly which one) I had an experience. As I sat there watching the film, everything initially went dark and then all I saw was a bright light. I felt bathed in a calming, comfortable warmth. I don’t know how long it lasted but when I started to come out of it I was sad because it was such a wonderful feeling.
My constant worry about finances would trigger my bouts with darkness. In Doug’s kind of work, it was very difficult to know how much money would be coming in and when – a bit like working on commission. We might get a nice chunk of money but how long would it have to last – 3 weeks? – a month? – 6 months? This made it difficult to budget, to save and certainly to tithe. I worked as Doug’s secretary and found it intermittently boring and stressful.
Notice I am finding all sorts of earthly reasons for the darkness in my life. I had yet to understand completely the true reasons.
A couple of Sundays ago, Father Mark talked about churches that were either “Hotels for Saints or Hospitals for Sinners”. Well, in about 2005, Doug and I decided it was time to check out of the “hotel” and into the “hospital”. We left the church I had gone to all my life and starting attending Christ the King Anglican which met at Grace Avondale Church and Father Rob was the Rector. What an amazing little church this was. A rag-tag group of people from all over the city met together to worship on Sunday nights. I had never been to a church where everyone there was on fire for the Lord! Other than once at Cursillo, this was the first time I had ever had hands laid on me and let a whole group of people pray for me and let them know my deepest hurts.
God was getting a good hold on me and He knew I was getting stronger so He started to prune me.
The ability of my husband to make a decent living doing the type of law he had practiced for 27 years was greatly curtailed by new legislation. Our income was drying up. We had to take out a home equity loan just to keep afloat and pay our monthly bills. One of the worst days of my life was when the IRS seized our accounts.
Three years ago a lot of things began to happen. Our little church joined up with Epiphany. One of the first things Doug and I took advantage of here was taking the Crown Ministries Course.
In September of that year I got a new job. I have absolutely no doubt that the job I now have, I got through prayer. I work in a place I love, with people I love, doing things I love. Shortly thereafter Doug got a new job that he loves too. I firmly believe that his job was a direct answer to prayer.
Even though we made quite a bit less money than we used to, we now both had steady pay checks with benefits. We started tithing and I tried to make sure that the first check I wrote after our paychecks hit the bank, was to the church. I wanted to symbolically give the church the first fruits.
In the last year life has gone on with its usual ups and downs. My mom died suddenly and tragically last summer, but the love that I felt from friends and family during that time was such a blessing.
We refinanced our home several months ago and we now own both our cars, we have paid off the home equity loan and all the back taxes we owed.
It took a long time to finally realize that when I put Christ first, let him guide my life and live into His will, the darkness has no place in me. When I empty myself out and allow the Holy Spirit to dwell in me I am filled with light.
Now when I wake up in the middle of the night it is no longer a time for worry. It is a gift from God – more time to be with Him in prayer and study.
1 John 1:5-7 says:
This is the message we have heard from Him and proclaim to you, that God is light and in him there is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with Him while we are walking in darkness, we lie and do not do what is true: but if we walk in the light and He himself is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin.
And from Psalms 32 and 30:
You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from trouble; you surround me with glad cries of deliverance.
You have turned my mourning into dancing; you have taken off my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, so that my soul may praise you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever.
Julia Daze
May, 2009
