A Call to Husbands

What do we men need to do as husbands and fathers? This is a vital question because our families are falling apart and God has called us as men to do something about it. Let me quote the well-known passage in Ephesians,

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. (Eph. 5:21-28)

Before we men use this passage to admonish our wives, we first need to apply it to ourselves. In Jesus' words, we should take the plank out of our own eyes before we attempt to take the speck of sawdust out of another's eyes (Mt. 7:1-3, Lk. 6:41-2). What then does this passage say we men must do?

First, we must love our wives "just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ..." Learning to love like Christ is a form of spiritual crucifixion. It lasts a lifetime and produces a person who is self-sacrificial, considerate, forgiving, kind, merciful, helpful, tender-hearted, patient, and understanding. That is what love is. It is going the second mile with one's wife over and over again. This does not mean giving in to whatever wife and children may desire. A man's family cannot come before his relationship to Christ. Jesus may, and sometimes does, call us to do things contrary to the wishes of others. Loving one's wife and children does mean, however, placing their welfare above our own desires. As that happens, we may feel like we are losing control, setting ourselves up to be used, and getting very little in return. That may well be true. Dying daily is very, very difficult and it requires very strong medicine. Let me talk about that medicine.

Let us begin by committing ourselves to Jesus Christ and seeking to be baptized in the Holy Spirit. Find a church and receive the grace and power of the Word and Sacrament. Attend church regularly and study the Bible daily. Get together with a body of men who are on the path. Hold yourselves accountable. Be utterly honest about all your sins, faults, and weaknesses with at least one person. Make a regular confession to a priest or friend who can forgive you in the name of Jesus and give you good counsel. As you harm others, including your wife and children, ask their forgiveness. Get Francis McNutt's book, Healing, and find out about inner healing and deliverance. Begin the process of healing the emotional wounds that cripple your capacity to love. Make a life review of your sins and where you must forgive. Find a sane prayer group or level-headed person that believes in deliverance and ask for this wholesome ministry. Tithe to God. Pray daily for your wife and children. Serve them the way Christ served the broken-hearted and needy. He prayed for them, fed them, blessed them, laid hands on them, and healed them. When the time is right, when your family is open to that possibility, when they trust you, do that. Do all these things for months before you even begin to think about what Paul says wives should do in Ephesians 5.

Why do I suggest this medicine? This is how God makes new persons out of old. It is taught in Scripture and was practiced by the ancient church. As we do this, we are sanctified, and we can be sanctified because we were first justified. By his death on the cross Christ brings us into the presence of God even in our sin, and once there, he sanctifies us by his Spirit and the blood of the Lamb.

As we receive the grace of Christ, we become equipped to become the spiritual leader in our homes. When your wife discovers that you love her, there is a good chance she will begin to trust you and accept your leadership. This means she will be inclined to ask your advice on spiritual matters and follow your lead. You cannot expect her to do this until you have first led the way. As she follows your example and enters into the life of the church, she will become holy, "without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless." Even if your wife will not follow you in the spiritual life, you need to persist because it is the way of Christ and he is the only way.

As I look back over some thirty years in the priesthood, I recall many marriages where the wife was a Christian but the husband was not. But I can recall very few marriages where the husband was a Christian and the wife was not. The great tragedy of our church today, even our world, is that men are not standing up and exercising spiritual leadership. I have known many Christian men who took some of the medicine I have recommended. I have known very few who were willing to take the full course. As followers of Christ, all were justified, saved by faith, and transformed by grace. Many, however, were still crippled by unhealed emotional wounds and lack of forgiveness. These are signs to all of us that we need strong medicine. We need the full dose, for the sake of Christ, our wives and children. We men need to hold nothing back, to overcome the world, the flesh, and the devil. We have a savior who went before us, who "gave himself up" for us. He asks the same of us. We can do no less.

The Rev. Robert J. Sanders, Ph.D.