The Pornography Discussion

Introduction

Each week in my online class I give students a discussion question to which they respond online with comments. These students are studying to be pastors, and therefore, the discussion questions usually concern issues that occur in the pastorate. Last week's discussion was about a person who came to his pastor to seek help with his addiction to pornography. The students were asked to discuss how they would respond to this person's request for help. They put forward a number of good ideas. At the same time, however, certain important matters were omitted, and to commend the students on their excellent discussion and to present some of my own ideas, I wrote a response to their discussion. That response is given below. I include it here on my web page because it has a number of helpful ideas. Some of these ideas have been addressed in other essays on this website, but others have not been discussed. In what follows, I will first give the discussion question followed by my response to the student's online comments. Here is the discussion question.

The Discussion Question

You are the rector of a small but loving parish where you have served for some years. You have the confidence of your parishioners, and from your side, you consider it a blessing to be in such a loving parish.

One day, John, one of your most active parishioners comes to your office with a pastoral concern. He is about thirty, married to a woman he loves, and they have two young children. He has served on your leadership council and has been especially active as a leader in the youth group. He tells you that about four months earlier, when his wife was in the hospital for several weeks with a life-threatening illness (she has since fully recovered), he fell back into one of his old habits that he thought he had overcome. His problem is pornography. He says it started in the ninth grade on the internet. In high school he gave his life to Christ and came to know that what he was doing was wrong. He told no one about it, prayed constantly, and finally, after he was married, he was able to overcome this temptation. However, one night, perhaps because of the stress of his wife’s illness and in a moment of carelessness, he clicked on one of the sites that constantly come up in his junk mail and found himself back into his old problem. He would stay away for days, and then, without knowing why, would find himself back on the porn sites. He is ashamed and scarcely can make sense of the fact that his years of faithful Christian living would be undermined by something so juvenile. He wants to make sense of this, and above all, he wants help in breaking the power of this habit.

Reflect on what you might say or do. Think about what you might avoid saying or doing. Let me eliminate one option in terms of action. For the sake of this discussion, let us remove the possibility of referring John to someone else. Sometimes this is a good idea. Be that as it may, pornography is a sin and Christ came to deal with sin, and therefore, your role is important. You may, if you wish and with his permission, enlist the help of other parishioners, but not other professionals.

What would you say and do? Clearly, given the discussion limits, you cannot answer this in detail. What do you think are the most important notions you would wish to communicate to this person in need? What actions do you think you might take, or what do you recommend for John? There are many things that can be said and done. As you offer possibilities, bring to bear our readings.

For the purposes of this discussion question, I am not asking you to give a final, polished analysis of how to proceed. Let us consider ourselves both students and teachers. Write down what you consider promising avenues of approach. Help each other think this matter through. If something another student says doesn’t make sense, point out a potential pitfall in a kindly manner or ask for further clarification. If you are not experienced in these matters, this is a good time to try out some ideas in the presence of your peers before you find yourself in the middle of it. Do not forget the readings. There are some claims there about the work of God.

My Response to the Students

Thank you so much for your excellent comments on last week’s discussion. Many of your ideas were very helpful. Among the most important, at least as it seems to me, was the recognition that John needs forgiveness and not condemnation, that confession is important, and that healing requires a community. Your suggestion that an accountability partner and a group of similarly afflicted persons is important, as is your recognition that this sin, like all others, has many ramifications, especially within the family. Most important of all, drawing upon Wesley, was your belief that Jesus Christ can set this person free. That is the heart of the matter.

At the same time a number of related issues came up, namely, whether John should tell his wife, or whether he should remain in leadership. This essay will comment on those important issues. Also, there were a couple of other matters I consider important that did not emerge in the discussion, and for these reasons, I am writing this essay.

First, and this came out in the discussion, I never minister to a woman by myself. Even when I minister to men I prefer that someone be with me, preferably a woman, since all of us need the grace of God mediated by members of both sexes. For similar reasons, a woman would be ill advised to minister to a man by herself. You know these things, but they are important and worthy of repetition.

Human beings are very, very complex, even mysterious, and it is not always easy to know how to proceed in ministering to someone. For that reason, as you may well know, it is good to pray aloud at the beginning, asking God to bless the proceedings. And then, after that, it is good to keep praying in your heart, asking for discernment.

In thinking about human beings, it is good to have some sort of model in mind, a model of how human beings grow and change. This is a complex matter and I cannot go into it here in detail. However, there is one concept that I find illuminating. That concept is the idea of imprinting. You may remember that in the essay, “Trinity and Incarnation,” I mentioned an author by the name of Arnold Come who described how the new life in Christ becomes actualized in a person. When someone is born again, the Holy Spirit enlivens the person of Christ as believers read Scripture and receive teaching, preaching, sacraments, and ministry. As these things take place, received through the senses, Christ can become living reality. He imprints his very self upon the believer, and as this happens, the person comes to know Christ, and by him the transcendent Father of love. This process enables a person to know the triune God, as well as being able to give and receive love in the context of the Christian community. Arnold Come, describing how the Hebrews understood sense impressions and mutual indwelling (imprinting), stated the matter in these words,

… perceptions are not mere images received from the senses and retained by the mind. Rather they are imprints of the thing or being perceived, and they carry some of the actual substance of the perceived into the perceiver. Or from the other perspective, the imprint that one makes upon another carries something of one’s very self into the other. And even after the immediate contact is broken, the one is still in a sense present and operative upon the other. Indeed, a man is in truly significant contact only with that which actually enters into his soul. It is that which he really knows, it is that which really affects him and which he can act upon.(1)

Openness to receiving imprints varies with time, circumstances, and persons. For example, all children are born ready for imprinting. They learn a language, habits, perspectives, and many other things easily and immediately. As this happens, they are profoundly affected by those around them for good and for ill. Once imprints take form, they harden, making it difficult to change them in later circumstances. If the inborn trust of a child is violated, the imprinting can often create a hard shell, shielding the person against God and others and stifling love. Jesus refers to this as hardness of heart. Another time when imprinting can become a significant factor is when one is born again and open to the work of the Holy Spirit. At that time a person can become like a little child, trusting God, and open to being transformed through the many avenues of grace as mentioned in the previous paragraph. “Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it" (Luke 18:17).

Another powerful mode in which imprints occur is through sexual intercourse as well as pornography. In part, this is due to the fact that we are created to be profoundly imprinted by sexual relations and our senses are especially sensitive to sexual experiences. According to Genesis 2:24, a man and a woman become one flesh through sexual intercourse. Hebrew thinking is wholistic, and the reference to “one flesh” in Genesis refers not only to the physical unity, but to a unity of the whole person, body and soul. Given that the imprinting from sexual intercourse is so powerful, Paul will say in First Corinthians 6:18, “Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.” I once heard a talk on this subject by a scientist who studied the effects of pornography on the brain. Viewing pornography changes the brain, and thereby changes the whole person, body and soul. For these reasons and more, the person who engages in pornography carries inside of him a world of imprints, and these can have profound effects on overall behavior.

One effect of these imprints, whether through pornography or sexual intercourse with varied partners, is that these imprints do not allow the heart to be fully present in the act of love. Or, to put it another way, the sexual act occurs, but the heart is divided, still located in the bodies it has previously known. It is not unusual for people to think of past loves when making love, or when finished, find themselves haunted by an unknown sorrow, or even feel nothing for the other person. This brokenness can be healed, enabling a man and a women to be intimate with one another, and when making love, to love fully.

The passage from death to life, from sin to wholeness, from bondage to a habit to freedom in Christ, is anchored in forgiveness, and this forgiveness takes two forms. First the sinful behavior must be confessed. This clearly came out in the discussion. In this regard, I like to use The Saint Augustine’s Prayer Book.(2) I am not referring so much to the exact form of confession given there, although it is a helpful form, but more importantly, the self-examination prior to confession. This self-examination is quite thorough.(3) In one appointment with a pastor, there is normally not enough time to make a thorough confession, so I would recommend giving John a copy of St. Augustine’s Prayer Book and asking him to make a further confession at a later date. At that time he can confess all his sins, or rather, the ones he knows about. All sins are connected, and all contribute in some fashion to all behaviors, including John’s sexual behavior. Specifically, however, in the context of the pornography sin, and in your first time with him, you need to address past sexual encounters. These are very significant as whomever John may have slept with lives on in his soul in some form as described in the previous paragraph. Therefore, he needs to confess all these at once, especially sins against his wife, along with any other sins of a sexual nature, or any that seem relevant. In making this confession, it is good to be specific – naming the most telling moments and keeping at it until the territory has been covered this first time around. As this happens, forgiveness can be proclaimed.

The second area of forgiveness is that John needs to forgive all those who hurt him, especially in this context, anyone who hurt him sexually. Many men have been hurt by women, starting with their mothers, and this damages their ability to relate to other people. Again, John needs to be specific, naming specific hurts, rejections, and blows, and asking the Lord Jesus to make these words of forgiveness alive in his heart. This did not come up in the discussion, but it cannot be omitted. Forgiving others is absolutely vital, starting with those who cared for us in the beginning and working forward through life, including for John, any sins his wife may have committed against him. For example, she may be withholding love and affection and that needs to be forgiven. At times forgiveness can be a struggle, but with your encouragement, and if he is willing for Christ to help him, the Lord will see to it. Many times we harbor bitterness for past hurts and do not even know it. That is why a life review, self-examination, can be important.

The two actions, forgiving and being forgiven, release the heart from past imprints and open the soul to the person of Christ. The work of Christ is as complex as the human heart, yet simple since love is what heals. Given the complexity, many factors contribute to behavior, not just spiritual factors such as evil spirits and the Holy Spirit, but bio-chemical factors which can sometimes be helped by medication. It is good to have some knowledge of what can be helpful and to refer a person to a psychiatrist if need be. Something like pornography, however, often appears as a power in the soul, the spirit of lust, and this can be cast out in the name of Jesus. As you know, Christ cast out demons, and to my mind, the gospels often record the most violent of his exorcisms. My experience has been that things like lust require the name of Christ placed verbally against them, and normally do not entail violent manifestations. Once the power of this evil is broken, a person is much more open to being imprinted by the gospel in all its manifestations -- Scripture, teaching and preaching, sacraments, ministry, and fellowship.

Not all people are called to a ministry of deliverance, but it is a vital ministry of the church. To this end, let me recommend the book by Francis MacNutt entitled Healing.(4) For the purposes of our discussion, you were not allowed to make referrals, but it is good to know our gifts and to refer those outside our gifting to others who can be helpful. It would be good if each congregation had people who could minister in various ways. All of us, however, can hear confessions and counsel others in the way of forgiveness.

In regard to John telling his wife about the pornography problem, let me make some suggestions for your consideration. In my view, this is a matter of discernment. For example, suppose his relationship with his wife was rather tenuous, that she was barely converted, that she resented him for his work at the church, that she would hold his sin against him, and further, that it might even break the marriage. One of you mentioned a possibility along these lines. It would not be good to place upon John’s wife more than she can bear. John, in these circumstances needs to seek as much help as possible with this issue, resolve it, and learn to love his wife, and keep loving her indefinitely. The teaching of Matthew 18 is followed by the teaching on divorce in Matthew 19. Jesus had a very high regard for the integrity of marriage, and doing things that could damage a relationship is not in accord with the good news. For that reason, in this context, Matthew 18 cannot be applied without considering Matthew 19.

Or, suppose she is an understanding wife, knows that something is amiss in their relationship, wants to live the Christian life, worries that she is contributing something wrong to the relationship, doesn’t know what it is, loves her husband, then telling her would probably bring relief and enlist her support in resolving the problem since, in the end, the sin affects the whole of the relationship and is tangled up with her sins as well.

Whether to tell his wife or not is something we need to think about further, and live with as we minister to others, and with time, the Lord will give us a clearer picture on how to proceed in these kinds of situations. It is not always clear what to do, but fortunately, as our sources make clear, especially Cranmer and Wesley, faith in God’s redemptive goodness is the decisive factor on our part, while getting it exactly right is not as decisive.

Similar considerations hold with respect to whether John should remain in a position of leadership. If he pursues healing, and if his condition is not so severe that you have confidence he will not cross over the boundaries of propriety, then I would be inclined to accept his continued leadership. However, if he appears shaky or afraid of what could happen, or if he is only coming by to see you to appease his guilt and, in the end, is not serious about getting help, then I would counsel him, for his own good and the good of others, to step down from the position. I liked the way some of you thought this could be handled, that is, for his sake and that of his family. He simply needs to let it be known that he has other matters that he needs to work on and for that reason is stepping down.

Finally, it is good to pray aloud with people. You can simply offer to God whatever came up in your time together, asking him to heal John’s heart, forgive all sins known and unknown, deliver him from any form of darkness, and grant him new life. Sometimes, when people are open as they often are when they come with personal problems, our prayers with them are so enlivened by the Spirit that Christ answers them even as we are praying, and real changes take place at once.

Even if things go very well when counseling with John, I would, like many of you, encourage him to find an accountability partner, or a small group of men with a similar problem and to be accountable to them. Often times these sorts of sins do not go away overnight. Even if the spiritual power of the sin is broken, the habit and the need still exist. Also, some of you pointed out that overcoming sin can be a spiritual battle, and John needs to be told about this battle. A really great point that one of you made was that love is the only true replacement for sinful affections, and this love is found, first and foremost in Christ, and then, secondly, in the Christian community, and above all, in his relationship with his wife. All of this will require ongoing attention. In my view, your comments in these areas were very helpful.

Finally, pastors can only minister with integrity if they have applied the same teaching to their lives that they minister to others. Churches whose pastors have not adequately addressed their own brokenness, often contribute to brokenness in their congregations. First and foremost, we need to begin with ourselves.

Once again, thank you for your contributions, and I hope by God’s grace, that this brief essay will encourage you to step out in faith and become a more effective minister of the gospel in this important area of pastoral care.

Endnotes

1. Arnold Come, Human Spirit and Holy Spirit (Philadelphia: Westminster Press, 1959), p. 116.
2. Saint Augustine’s Prayer Book. Loren Gavitt, editor. West Park: Holy Cross Publications, 1967.
3. Ibid., pp. 112-122.
4. MacNutt, Francis. Healing. Notre Dame: Ave Maria Press, 1999.

The Rev. Robert J. Sanders, Ph.D.