My name is Earl. I’m a believer in Jesus Christ who struggles with overspending and overeating. In trying to understand how I got to where I am, I began to prayerfully reflect on my past experiences and why I struggle with these addictions. Basically, in working through memories from my past, I came to the conclusion that Sandi and I had similar family mottos: “Better the pretty lie than the ugly truth.”
My mother was mentally ill. I recall her being committed three times. Her stable behavior was functional but you did not want to have friends over (wink, wink). Through a rocky marriage, my Dad was definitely not a home body. Finally, by age 9 or 10, my parents divorced. My Dad had had enough and had found another. They had been arguing, and then he moved out. After that, I started spending Saturday night and Sunday with him and his girlfriend who was 20 years younger. There was no explanation and I wasn’t to speak about it.
Within a few months, my mother introduced me to her new love interest. She remarried and he showed up with my three new siblings. That was a shocker. My new siblings were not what I was used to. They were “street wise” unruly and wild. I was confused with some of their behavior. As you can imagine, within a six months my mom’s new husband left. Mom was slipping.
In retrospect, there are so many memories that are ridiculous and painful to me. But the first time I felt truly empty and the one that hurts the most is as follows:
I returned Sunday afternoon home with my dad. He and I walked into the house. Normally, he would drop me off, but for some reason, he came in, likely because my stepfather had left her. My mother was sitting at the kitchen table in a bathrobe, unclean and unkempt. We had to step over a basket of things such as a toaster, small appliances, food, and her underwear. The first thing she said was “Get rid of that junk!” They began to argue about the value of the toaster. She was clearly not right. I remember evaluating the situation and thinking, “This is no good!” But at least Dad could see that her behavior, which I had told him about, was strange.
Seeing the value of the items and being a depression era child, not wanting to waste them, he said goodbye and began to leave, basket in hand. As I was 10 (but clearly wise beyond my years) I ran after him thinking he obviously wanted me to come so he could sort this out. He turned to me and said, “Stay with your mother she needs you!” Then he drove off.
I only vaguely remember the next few hours. She was psychotic and hallucinating. I hid in my room. She would yell at the ceiling, call me, and then yell at me. I pleaded with her to calm down but she would keep on ranting. Finally, I was hungry and the house had quieted down, so I made my way downstairs. She was sitting at the table again. I asked what was for dinner – cold blank stare and snarl, really creepy. “I’ll get it, sorry,” I said.” She was yelling at me now and I was apologizing profusely for whatever I did to contribute to her unhappiness.
She calmed down and I got a bowl of cereal. I was sitting on the floor eating and watching TV. She would occasionally blurt out something that I tried to ignore. Finally, she had enough of my inattention and left the room. Suddenly she pushed by me from behind and began to hack the TV, right in front of me with a hatchet. Sparks flew. She ran upstairs crying. I think I was in the center of a hallucination she was having and by the grace of God she went on by me. Not knowing what to do, I called my Grandparents (a God thing). I remember moving in with them while she went to the hospital.
That is just one of many ridiculous episodes that occurred that left me very empty, I’m thankful God never ever wastes a hurt. Being self-reliant, my personal goal in life was to be the exact opposite of my parents.
I finished school, received a degree in geology, and married my high school sweetheart. I was driven and a work-a-holic. I had great kids, a wonderful wife, business, and lots of hurts, hang-ups and habits. Ten years ago, I started my own business with a friend that had as many issues as I did. As Florida’s real-estate market grew, we grew. We were very successful in growth and business development. We began to acquire portions of projects in lieu of fees for our services and leveraged ourselves to do it. On paper we were worth millions. With all that money moving through our accounts, we had access to a lot of cash. My partner would spend freely, so I would have to spend make it fair. We competed with each other for worldly possessions--hobbies, animals, furniture, electronics, etc. I even had a dump truck, bulldozer and backhoe.
Then a funny thing happened, the Holy Spirit sent some good folks from Arizona who moved in next door. They were Christians and were “born again,” “saved” and prayed for folks….. Weird. Their kids were screwy too. They were great. We were confused. Then he showed us this book (hold up the book). It’s called the Bible. Elizabeth and I finally received Christ as our savior and went looking for a church. We found this church and Mark.
Then I had to come to grips with my sins and I am an expert.
As we became active in ministry, the conviction began. One by one my sins were reveled to me and the Lord was faithful and helped me work through them. But I, not the Lord, had control of the business, spending and eating habits. After all, God understands that I earned that 90% so I could spend it. Hobbies and mid night snacks are not an issue, they are a “healthy” distraction from this business world and stress I have to control. Right? Point, click, and ship just one more gun, or tool, or a present for Elizabeth (sin offering). I was hooked on shopping--gather information, plan, research, then click. A few days later a box would come--Christmas in July! All the while eating ice cream.
By the end of 2007, the millions we were “worth” began to evaporate with the collapse of the real-estate bubble. In early 2008, I split with my partner (I used our cash reserves to pay him off). He was very irritated and bitter at first but conceded. After that, we streamlined and cut back. I really had to juggle things to buy the stuff I wanted, but like any addict, I figured it out a way to do it.
Then came October 2008 and our sales dropped 60%. It was over. I tried everything I could. We lost everything.
The good news is, when you hit bottom, it’s all up from there.
The thing I realized was that I needed to forgive many folks--my Mom, my old partner, my Dad, and others--but I also had to be forgiven.
My Dad… he was very hard to forgive and as much as I wanted to, but it wasn’t until Celebrate Recovery last Friday night that I could truly let go of that. He hasn’t changed. There are still lots of unanswered promises and he really likes to party, even at 83. My prayer is that I will see him in heaven, but at least now I don’t harbor the resentment and can hopefully seek his forgiveness for my bitterness.
Finally, my wife, she has truly forgiven me 70 times 7 and for that I truly thank God. I never imagined that I could be so loved by another.
Today I feel content, loved and best of all, not empty inside. I look forward to the hope of sustained healing, and dream of a little piece of land where Elizabeth and I can live in and spread Gods peace.
Earl Faust
May, 2009
